Have you ever gotten a comment from someone, or maybe it was a text that threw you off? Maybe it was snarky or rude, or maybe it was something that hurt your feelings or hit your pride. It is normal to have a reaction to such a comment, but ultimately you are in charge of how you feel. You can have that initial negative feeling, but it doesn’t have to dictate your whole day. It could even be someone who is going through a difficult or heavy thing and you are there to listen and/or give advice. Their heavy situation doesn’t have to affect how you feel long term.
As I ponder this topic, I think about the importance of self love, and how this is the starting point to protecting your peace. The kind of self love I’m talking about isn’t indulgence or vanity, instead it is treating yourself with the same care you would give someone you love. When your self worth feels secure, other people’s words have less power to shake it. Self love is not a feeling that you wait for. Self love is an intentional daily practice – how you talk to yourself, the boundaries you keep, how you listen to your body and rest when needed, both physically and emotionally.
When someone says or does something hurtful, it is normal to have a negative feeling. Hurt, frustration, or surprise in the moment is human, not a failure. Having that negative feeling initially is not a sign that you have lost control of your emotions, or that you are weak. Give yourself grace for this first reaction that is completely normal! But what you do with that negative feeling, how you respond next is within your control. Others influence us, but they don’t have to control us. I do want to insert here that if you are in a situation that you think might be abusive, definitely seek out professional help – whether that is a therapist, spiritual leader like a pastor, or a trusted friend. Please don’t accept true disrespect or abuse.
People’s words and actions may trigger us, but they can’t make us feel a certain way. Our interpretation and response shape the lasting emotion. There is space between what was said or what happens and how we respond. Self love can help with that response. Self love acknowledges that when someone says something unkind, it is likely more about them and what they are going through. Self love reminds us that we don’t have to carry that negativity. We can protect our peace instead.
Your peace is something you should actively guard, like a home you wouldn’t leave unlocked. There are some practical things you can do to protect your peace. First is to pause before responding. I will acknowledge that this is not always easy, especially in the heat of the moment, but I do think it is possible if you practice this over time. I myself have seen the progress I personally have made when practicing this over time. You may need to do something physical, especially when you are first practicing this to prevent the quick reaction response. You could take some deep breaths, or step away for a bit. Be sure to let the person know you are not trying to be rude, you just need a moment. Ask yourself: is this mine to carry? In some instances, it may require a response from you. It may require you to evaluate your behavior, but if after asking yourself that question you realize it is not about you, but about them, then you don’t have to defend yourself. Something else you can do is to set boundaries with certain people or topics that drain you. You can kindly say that you are not interested in discussing certain things. Additionally, as I frequently suggest, it can be helpful to just give yourself positive self-talk! The first sting is normal, but staying in it is optional. Acknowledge the feeling, then release it. You can say, “I felt that, but I am choosing to let it go.” Speak to yourself the way you would comfort a friend in the same situation.
Self love gives you the worth to protect your peace, and protecting your peace is how you show yourself love, so it really is interconnected! Each time you choose calm over reaction, you strengthen that bond with yourself. This week, I challenge you to pay attention to when someone’s words affect you. How do you react? What is your initial response? How do you handle that initial response? Can you use some of the techniques I spoke about today to help you with your response? Remind yourself today that you are worthy of peace and you are in charge of how you respond.
