Do you ever leave a conversation feeling completely drained – emotionally or mentally or both? I know your answer could be dependent on your personality type. If you are an introvert, being with people generally drains you. But I’m talking about being around those people who are negative and emotionally exhausting. This type of person can drain even the most people oriented extrovert! There are some people who struggle with viewing things from a negative light and often bringing others down with them. As someone who practices the Christian faith, I believe we are called to love all people. Maybe we are especially called to love those who are going through difficult things in life. But loving others, even those the closest to us, does not have to mean absorbing their emotional state. I think people can confuse true empathy – which is being present with someone in their pain and enmeshment – which is being pulled into their emotional state.

Empathy is a good thing. I have done a lot of research on empaths, and I really think this type of person describes me. Knowing that I am an empath has helped me tremendously as I have navigated what that means and how I can train my empathetic tendencies for good. When you don’t realize you are an empath, or you realize it and don’t work to train your heart and mind you can be susceptible to morphing your emotional state to match that of the person you have empathy for. Typically what this looks like is your energy shifts to that negative energy or you feel obligated to fix their mood. This heaviness can quickly cause your own mood to spiral. I have learned that I can have empathy for others without allowing their mood to dictate my own mood. I can protect my own peace, while being there for them in their time of need. 

You can hold space for someone without getting wrapped up in their emotional storm. I think of it like the waves of the ocean. Their mood is the waves that are ever changing – you can get caught up in that or you can be like the shore – strong, steady, unchanging, and present for them. Arguably, loving someone well looks more like being grounded for them, not matching their negative energy. I know this can be so difficult, especially if you do feel like you are an empath. You might get tired of hearing me say this, but I do feel like when you have healthy habits of your own it is much easier to deal with this sort of situation. It is easier to be more emotionally well regulated when you have proper sleep, hydration, nutrition, and exercise. I have to share with you, ever since I have changed my diet and have been counting my macros, eliminating alcohol, and being more intentional with getting my steps in I have noticed I am more clear minded and able to regulate my emotions better, even amidst perimenopause!

In addition to having your own healthy habits, there are other practical things you can do in the moment when dealing with a negative person. The first thing you can do is to have a mental phrase prepared ready to speak to yourself in the moment. You could say, “I can care about this without carrying it.” or “Their emotions are not my emotions. I can be empathetic while also staying grounded.” Something else you can do is to be hyper aware of your physical state when you encounter someone negative. Are your shoulders tensing up? Intentionally relax them. Is your breathing speeding up? Slow your breathing down. Is your jaw or fists clenching? Pay attention to these cues and unclench them. Lastly, you can have a script ready that enforces your boundary with someone when you have had enough and need to exit a draining conversation. That could be something like being direct and saying, hey can we pick up this conversation at a later time, I’m starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed. I want to be there for you in your time of need, but I want to make sure I’m fully emotionally present for you. Or it could be a redirection of the conversation. Being aware of your vulnerability towards absorbing their energy and then being prepared for what you can do in the moment can make all the difference. 

It may feel selfish to want to protect your peace and your positive mindset, but it is far from selfish. Like I mentioned earlier, loving people well means staying grounded FOR them. When you match their energy, you can’t be as level headed and present for them. Over time, consistently absorbing others’ energy leads to emotional burnout and that is good for no one! Not for you, or those around you. There is a bigger purpose at play and protecting your own peace actually helps those who need you. At the beginning of this message I asked you if there was someone who drained you. Who was that person you were thinking of at that moment? Can you love that person from a more grounded place? Dealing with negative people requires us to be aware of our tendencies towards enmeshment, and flipping that to true empathy and being present for them.