Modern life can easily pull us into urgency, comparison, distraction, and overstimulation. We must be intentional about living in a place of peace or calmness. Many people mistake calmness for weakness or passivity, but the truth is, calmness is emotional steadiness in the middle of uncertainty – which is anything but weak and passive. Calm people are not people without problems, they are people who have learned to respond rather than react. They believe the truth that they are the author of their reactions. Nothing outside of them has power unless they grant that power.

Calmness is a skill, not a personality trait. I can assure you because this is true from my own experience. I am not someone who is naturally calm, as I have dealt with anxiety most of my life. I have had to practice emotional regulation. Calmness is trained through repetition. Some people are naturally calm, and so this comes easier, but I think everyone to a certain degree has to learn emotional regulation. Staying calm does not mean ignoring our feelings. Emotional regulation involves acknowledging emotions, but not allowing those emotions to drive our behavior. A simple and practical way to implement this is to learn the art of pausing before you respond to something that is triggering. One moment of pause can completely change the outcome of a circumstance for you. Calmness often begins with slowing down our reactions.

There are several reasons why we may struggle to stay calm. The first reason being a need for control. This is probably the most common reason, and definitely the one I resonate with. It is easy to feel panic when life doesn’t match our expectations. That is why it is important to practice accepting uncertainty in life. Calmness can grow when we accept that life is unpredictable. Another reason we may struggle to remain calm is because of overconsumption. Too much noise, media, opinions, and stimulation can really trigger that feeling of overwhelm or being out of control. Our nervous system wasn’t designed to handle so much input. It is so easy these days with the internet and social media to get overstimulated. We must be intentional with our time. We must guard our time as though it is our most finite resource. It is the one thing you cannot get back. Recently I have been adding more things to my morning routine to focus on things that are beneficial and promote self growth to avoid just jumping on my phone first thing in the morning. I have been reading my Bible and praying first thing in the morning for many years, but last fall I added taking a morning walk with no headphones/input, and recently also added journaling. I don’t look at my phone until I have been awake for a couple of hours.

Another reason we may struggle to stay calm is because of internal pressure. We may put expectations on ourselves that we don’t even need. It could be because of a struggle with perfectionism and therefore having standards that are too high, it could be a fear of failure, or a feeling of falling behind in life compared to our peers. We must self reflect and evaluate if any of these things are serving us, or just causing us undue stress and anxiety, and then move forward being aware of the reality and what are the next best steps to take towards the life we want. Lastly, we may struggle to stay calm because of unhealed emotional patterns. Past experiences can make present situations feel bigger than they are. We must work through our emotions – whether that is through journaling, praying, talking to a friend or mentor, or seeking professional help.

There is a cost if we continually live in reactivity instead of responsiveness. Many people who do not learn the skill of emotional regulation end up living in a constant state of emotional exhaustion. They are constantly living on edge and allow notifications to control their lives. They feel burnt out from mental overstimulation. In addition to this, living in a state of reactivity can lead to poor decision making. Fear creates impulsive choices instead of thinking through the decision and weighing pros and cons. For someone who lives in a reactive state, anxiety narrows their perspective, making it difficult for them to make logical decisions. And, these individuals often struggle with anger because they feel so out of control. When we make decisions in anger, they are often not decisions informed by wisdom but instead by impulse. Lastly, not living in a calm state typically leads to loss of being present in the moment. Someone who lives in a reactive state misses the moment they are in because their mind is elsewhere. They are constantly anticipating the next thing – the next crisis, the next terrible thing, which steals their current peace. Calmness on the other hand allows us to actually experience life.

There are some practical ways you can cultivate calmness. First is probably obvious: slow down physically. Breathe deeper, walk slower, and stop always multi-tasking. You can also be intentional to protect your mental space. Reduce unnecessary noise and information. Set boundaries for yourself with your phone or screentime. Create intentional moments of quietness, like taking a walk with no headphones. Create daily grounding habits that will organically help you with these boundaries, like morning routines with journaling, prayer or mediation, and exercise or movement. Another practical way you can practice calmness is to learn to sit with discomfort. Choose voluntary difficulty. We were made for excellence not for ease. Calmness comes when you learn that not every uncomfortable feeling is an emergency and you can survive difficult things. The more you do difficult things, the easier those things become. And as I frequently say on these Thoughtful Thursday messages, focus on what YOU can control! Your effort, your mindset, your response. When you begin to focus on what is in your control instead of what you can’t control you feel empowered which leads to the feeling of calmness.

We must learn to accept that life will always be uncertain. Calmness doesn’t come from perfect circumstances, but instead from trust in ourselves. We must trust that we have the ability to adapt in all circumstances. We must trust that we have the ability to do hard things, and that those hard moments will pass. That is what life is all about. The quicker you accept that, the easier it will be to feel that calm state. Marcus Aurelius, a famous stoic said, “You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”