We all have a narrative about ourselves living inside our heads. The question isn’t whether you have a story you tell yourself, it’s whether your story is true. Many of the limits we put on ourselves aren’t real limits we have, but rather old beliefs that probably surfaced a long time ago. I recently heard a story shared on the Mel Robbins podcast from Dr. Shade Zahrai about a study that was done by a professor at Dartmouth in the late 70’s, early 80’s. He had two groups of people and with one group he drew a very noticeable, visible scar on their face, he let them see the scar so they knew it was there. With the other group he did not put a scar on their face. Then he sent them out to have conversations with people. When they returned he asked how the conversations went. The people with the scars on their faces felt like they were judged, like their conversation partner was cold, and that they were treated differently because of the scar. While those without the scar reported that the conversations went well. While that would have been an interesting experiment on discrimination, the fascinating thing about this study was right after he showed the scar participants their scar, he said that he was going to put some moisturizer on the scar to make sure it set but he was actually removing the scar entirely! So these participants went into the conversation only believing they had a scar, which led them to have an expectation of how people would treat them, which led them to pay attention to nuances in the conversation that objectively did not exist. So it is good to think about what kind of scars you are carrying that create this narrative of who you are and how it affects how you enter each conversation or circumstance in life.

A simple definition of self narrative is the ongoing story your brain tells you about who you are, what you are capable of, and what you deserve. From psychology we know that the brain is a meaning-making machine. It is always labeling and filing your life experiences. And then these narratives become the lens through which you filter each experience moving forward. Most of us don’t acknowledge that this complex process is going on, and therefore tend to live on autopilot, basically letting old stories or narratives about you make decisions. This can show up in any aspect of your life – home life, relationships, habits, self worth, and more.

These stories that we constructed, often subconsciously, came from many origins. It could come from childhood and the messages we received from parents, teachers, siblings, or even peers, often without these individuals even realizing the impact it would have on us. These stories can also come from our past failures, especially things that we never processed and forgave ourselves for, but instead the mistakes replay in our heads over and over. Comparison is another way we construct these stories about ourselves – we see those around us, like family or friends and measure how we are doing or our worth compared to how others are doing. This often isn’t the full picture as we see the narrative they feed us about themselves. This is especially true on social media – the place that is notorious for the highlight reel. Lastly, these stories we tell ourselves could be informed by cultural messages. There is messaging that comes from society that shows us for instance how a woman “should” be, how a home “should” look, or what success “should” look like. These narratives are rarely stories we choose to believe, but instead they were absorbed, handed to us, or formed in a moment of pain. But we almost subconsciously carry them as though they are fact.

These stories hold us back from becoming the best version of ourselves. They create a ceiling so to speak of what we believe we are or aren’t capable of. They almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy as we subconsciously act in ways that confirm the story. These narratives keep us stuck in “some day” thinking – believing that some day we will be more disciplined, more motivated, have more time, or are more ready to pursue the thing we want to do. It will also show up in how we talk to ourselves. When we make mistakes or don’t follow through on the steps it takes to get to our goals we are very critical instead of self compassionate. For example, a woman who believes she is “just not an organized person” will self-sabotage every organizing system she tries to implement, not because the system doesn’t work but instead because of this narrative she believes about herself that she is “just not organized.”

There are practical ways you can identify your limiting stories. First, watch your “I just am” statements. “I’m just not a morning person.” “I’m just not disciplined.” “I’m just disorganized.” The word “just” is a story pretending to be a fact. Notice always and never statements. “I always mess up.” “I never follow through.” Usually these statements are not true, but we can be prone to use them to support our story. Another way to identify limiting stories is to pay attention to resistance. When you have a strong emotional reaction to something, like defensiveness, shame, or avoidance, there is often a story underneath. There are a couple of questions you can ask yourself. If you are serious about getting to the bottom of your false narratives, spend some time journaling and asking yourself a couple of questions. One is: “What do I believe about myself that I have never questioned?” and/or ask: “Where did I first learn this about myself and was it a reliable source?” I know that self evaluation is not easy. It can be uncomfortable and even painful, but it is worth it.

So how do we rewrite these narratives? First I want to share with you what rewriting a narrative is NOT. It’s not toxic positivity. It’s not slapping platitudes or affirmations on a wound. Instead it is about moving from an outdated, inaccurate story to a more honest and empowering one. Use this statement to reframe your beliefs about yourself: “I used to believe _________, but the truth is ________.” An example would be: “I used to believe that I was a disorganized person, but the truth is I never had the right systems or anyone to teach me.” This won’t be easy. It won’t be a singular journal entry. New stories don’t just stick immediately because old neural pathways are deep. In order to reroute these new stories in your brain, so to speak, it will take consistent effort with intentional thought. Repetition is the key to successfully rewriting these narratives. Community and accountability are important in this process. The people around you either reinforce your old story or help you build a new one. Be intentional about who speaks into your life. Also, you must celebrate the small wins! Every time you act against the old story, you collect proof for the new one! 

Did the story about the study done with the participants who thought they had a scar at the beginning of this post resonate with you? Do you have beliefs about yourself that inform the way you interact in the world? I frequently talk about decluttering our physical spaces, but the mind is one of the most important spaces you will ever declutter and organize! This week, think of one “I just am” statement that you have been telling yourself and ask if that is actually true or just a story you are telling yourself!