One of the most difficult life lessons as a human is acceptance. There is so much we can’t control in life. And if you really think about it, it can start to feel debilitating. There are things that happen to us that we don’t like, we don’t want, and we didn’t ask for. I think there is a common misconception that acceptance is weakness, complacency, or defeat, but what if those things we don’t like are exactly what can help us grow and become a better version of ourselves? 

I was recently talking to a friend about this idea of acceptance. I don’t know about you, but there are some ongoing things in life that at times I will feel like I have fully accepted, but then at other moments – I guess moments of weakness, maybe when I feel tired, or lonely, or hormonal – where I don’t want to accept what is. Instead I want to try to fix or control the situation. There is a quote by Eckhart Tolle that says, “It may look as if the situation is creating suffering, but ultimately this is not so, your resistance is.” When we don’t accept what is, we will continue to suffer. Acceptance isn’t about liking or agreeing with reality, but instead acknowledging it so you can move forward with strength and clarity.

There are several reasons we tend to resist accepting things as they are. These may be cultural reasons, or just human nature. It is natural for us to want control and certainty in life. For some this is more true than for others and that is why some people are labeled control freaks. But it is probably true for everyone to a certain degree. Another reason we may resist acceptance is believing if we don’t accept what is, there is still a chance things could change. Once we truly accept what is, we quit fighting for change. It could also be emotional resistance. We may be in denial, or we may be bargaining to try to change the circumstance. Or we could just be trapped in the cultural message that we should never give up and fight for what we want. 

But there is a cost of not accepting. Not accepting what is can be hard on our mental and emotional health. We can get stuck in mental loops, replaying decisions, wishing, and thinking about the “what ifs.” Not accepting what is can also delay healing, which can prevent moving forward in life. Both of these things can lead to emotional exhaustion and prolonged suffering. It is easy to confuse the pain (which is inevitable) with suffering (which is often prolonged by the resistance).

So what does acceptance mean? Acceptance is acknowledging reality for what it is without distortion. Like I mentioned, it’s not liking the circumstances or agreeing with them, but instead acknowledging them. We must learn to separate the facts from the story we attach to them. It’s easy to have an entire narrative around the circumstances, but when we just look at the facts it can help us to have clarity. Also, it is important to allow ourselves to experience the emotions without being controlled by the emotions. It’s okay to feel sad, upset, disappointed, or hurt. It is good to work through those feelings in order to get to a place of healing and wholeness in order to move forward.

Acceptance is different from giving up. Giving up says, “Nothing is going to change, so why try?” while acceptance says, “This is what is right now, what is my next move?” When you focus on your next move, you are focusing on something that you are in control of. Acceptance is the starting point for intentional action, not for giving up. You can accept reality and still desire change. You need to construct a plan moving forward from the reality of the circumstances you are in. And that is the paradox really, acceptance actually creates freedom! When we stop resisting what is, we are able to reclaim our energy. We are able to make choices moving forward. When we focus on our next steps and our plans moving forward, clarity can replace that emotional chaos that we were living in. You begin to respond (by creating that intentional plan) instead of reacting. True change becomes possible only after you face and accept the reality.

In order to practice acceptance we must name the reality honestly: saying, “This is what is happening.” We then must let go of the need for it to be different (at least for the time being). We must learn to sit with the discomfort without immediately trying to fix it. Then we are able to choose our response instead of fighting the fact that things are the way they are. Ultimately, we want to reframe acceptance as a strength, not a weakness. As something that is good and beneficial for us. We must focus on the fact that peace comes from alignment with reality, not control over it. You don’t have to like your reality, but you do have to face it. Acceptance isn’t the end of control in your life, instead it’s the beginning of it!