personal growth

FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU, NOT THEM

/ OrganizedWithJoy / 1 Comment

For today’s Thoughtful Thursday post I wanted to share on the topic of forgiveness. I am fairly certain I have talked about forgiveness in a previous Thoughtful Thursday post, but today I wanted to focus on the idea of forgiveness for your own sake more so than the sake of the person you are forgiving.

Unfortunately forgiveness is a part of everyday life as a human. Like I shared last week, because we are human, we are imperfect. We will make mistakes, we will say hurtful things, we will do things that hurt others – sometimes unintentional and sometimes intentional. Because of this, forgiveness is necessary in a healthy relationship. If we just abandoned relationships when we were hurt, we would not have very many long lasting relationships.

When we are wronged, it can be easy to sit in our hurt and to hold a grudge against that person. It is okay and natural to feel hurt. We must allow ourselves to feel the hurt, but we must choose to move forward and not wallow in the pain. Have you ever heard the saying, “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” When we don’t forgive someone, we keep ruminating on the wrong done to us which only hurts US, not THEM! Forgiveness IS primarily for our own mental health! When we forgive someone, it frees us from those ruminating thoughts about the incident. 

Something else I often think of when someone has wronged me is how I have done my own fair share of hurting others. Like I mentioned, this is human nature. We are not perfect and have moments of weakness where our anger or pride gets the best of us, or moments of stupidity where we hurt others without intention. I think about how I would like those people who I have hurt to extend grace to me, so I want to extend that same grace to others.

Offering and receiving forgiveness can truly foster deeper connections with those we love. When we go through the tough work of honesty and openness with one another about our hurts and can work through it with emotional maturity, it can really help those relationships grow deeper and flourish. Believe me, I have been on both sides of this equation being married for 29 years and also having some long term friendships. When we can be vulnerable with one another to share our hurts, it definitely causes the relationship to grow stronger. When we sulk, hold grudges, maybe talk to others about our woes instead of going directly to the person who hurt us, it only creates a wall in the relationship which can keep growing brick by brick over time. If this pattern continues where you don’t address hurts in a relationship, it will eventually become toxic. We are meant to be open and vulnerable with one another so we can work through our hurts.

Speaking of toxic, I will say that sometimes there are people or relationships that are toxic and it is very difficult to reconcile with this type of person. If this is the case, then still forgive them for your own mental health. You can forgive someone who has hurt you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to continue on in the relationship. Some people have a pattern of hurting others, and it is okay to decide you have had enough. Only you know when you have had enough. Some relationships are worth continuing to fight for, while others it is obvious that things won’t change. When you forgive them anyway, believe me this is a peace that is deep! When you forgive them, you have done your part, even if the other person isn’t willing or emotionally mature enough to work through things with you!

Here is the YouTube video I shared in conjunction with this blog post.

DEALING WITH PERFECTIONISM

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Okay friends, this is the last Thursday of the month and I had been sharing a monthly recap on how my no buy year was going for that month on the last Thursday, however last month I ended up sharing late. I have decided I will wait until the last Thursday in October to recap and then we will be back on track for sharing the last week of the month! But, I will share a teaser and say I am still really struggling. And because of that I wanted to talk about an adjacent topic this week – perfectionism. I am sure I have talked about the topic of perfectionism before. If not the main topic, I know I have talked about my struggles with perfectionism and how I really like to call myself a recovering perfectionist because I have been a lot better over the past several years at giving myself grace when I’m not as disciplined as I would have liked to have been.

Over the years I have shared here on my YouTube channel a variety of different challenges I have put myself up to. I actually used to have a series on my channel where each month I chose a different challenge and shared my thoughts on how the challenge went. I think challenging myself outside of my comfort zone is a good thing. And some of the challenges have led to some long term healthy habits. But these challenges, like the no buy year, I think can lend itself to falling back into the perfectionism trap. While I think challenges can be good for setting a framework for eliminating bad habits or incorporating new good habits, it can also cause me to focus too much on behavior. What I mean by this is that sometimes just changing behavior isn’t enough. Changing the behavior doesn’t necessarily mean a change in my heart. Choosing to do the no buy year for me isn’t necessarily just about saving money, although that is a really nice side effect and I think it’s always good to be intentional with how I am spending. For me, it was more about changing my heart posture towards stuff. I don’t want stuff to be so important to me. The important things in life are relationships, experiences, and striving to make a difference in this world somehow.

Yes, it’s good to change the behavior, but the last part of this no buy year I want to focus on changing my heart posture. By just focusing on changing the behavior, that puts me back into a perfectionist mentality, where I am WORKING so hard to just do the right thing. I have struggled with this throughout my life. Just striving and striving and never feeling enough. But I really feel I have turned a corner with that over the last few years, like I mentioned, giving myself more grace, realizing I am human and I can’t always be perfect, realizing I am ENOUGH.

There is this verse in the Bible in Romans 7:15 that says, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” In that passage it goes on to say that basically we all have that struggle because we all are not perfect. I try to remind myself that everyone struggles with this very thing. We all struggle to consistently do the things that are healthy for us and not do the things that are not healthy for us! All it means is that I am human.

Lately because of the lovely stage of life I am in… good ole’ perimenopause, which is causing my hormones to be out of whack, which is causing me to feel out of whack, I have really been trying to focus on healthy habits. I have been walking every morning first thing – moving, getting sunlight, I have been lifting weights, taking all the supplements, eating all the protein, staying away from sugar and alcohol. Doing ALL THE THINGS. And some days I still don’t feel myself. I have really been struggling more lately with this perfectionist mentality where I feel like I have to do ALL THE THINGS, EVERY DAY! I am trying to leave room for grace, but it has been a struggle. So, if you are struggling – with perfectionism, with messed up hormones, with no motivation, with giving in to your temptations because you feel like you cannot do it all ONE MORE DAY… you are not alone!

Here is the YouTube video I shared in conjunction with this blog post.

REFRAMING YOUR IDEA OF SUCCESS

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Okay friends, for today’s Thoughtful Thursday post I wanted to talk about a quote I shared on Instagram earlier this week. I am often so inspired by quotes, so I like to share them with you and chat in more detail about what it means to me. The quote is from Vincent Van Gogh and says, “If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is grass in the beginning.”

I was curious as to whether Van Gogh actually said this quote, or where it originated. As is common on the internet, there were conflicting beliefs about whether this was a Van Gogh quote, but the most common information I saw was that it was from a letter he sent to his brother Theo where he was predicting that he, like many other artists, may become famous after death. I’m not sure the timeline of when Van Gogh’s work became popular, but I can assure you that he painted a lot of artwork that was not of notable importance. It reminded me that becoming successful takes time. Yes, there are a few who experience overnight success, but for a majority of people success takes trial and error, hard work, consistency, and time.

I think this idea that success takes time is not popular. We live in a time where everything is fast, easy to acquire, right at our fingertips. We can find information easily, communicate with others quickly even if they live across the country or across the world, and buy things with one click. We must accept that success is something  worth working towards. We must accept that we will have to put in the hard work consistently to get to where we want to be. It usually does not happen overnight.

Oftentimes, when we see someone who is experiencing success in their lives, we see the success – where they are now. But we don’t see what it took to get there. It’s a process. We see the wheat, but we did not see the stage where they looked like grass. Even in those earlier stages where they had failures and setbacks, they still were on that trajectory to becoming wheat! The difficult part is we never know how long that path of failures, set backs, and learning will take. And I think so often even when we reach success, we are still looking for something more. Many of us have that “what now” feeling when we have achieved a milestone or goal.

Because it is human nature to look towards the next achievement, it is important to learn to be at peace with where you are. Believe me, I know how hard this can be. I still sometimes struggle with this, looking towards the future instead of just enjoying where I am now. As I look back at my life, I do think I wished some of my life away waiting for the next stage. Finding peace in your current stage of life can happen when you stop resisting where you are. Name the stage you are in. Is this a season of building, healing, transitioning, grieving, growing, or resting? Sometimes naming the stage gives you more grace with yourself to lean into this chapter. Letting go of the “shoulds” – like “I should be further along” or “I should be doing more” – will help you to be more grounded in your stage of life.

As I often share, being present in life is so important. There are many practices that can anchor you to the present. Having healthy routines will help you to stay grounded, like mindfulness or meditation, journaling, exercise, eating healthy, and keeping a regular sleep schedule. All of these things can help you to live in the moment. 

Often when we feel unrest it is because we are trying to control our circumstances. If we can shift our focus from control to curiosity, that will help us to feel more at peace. Instead of trying to problem solve, or just ruminate on how to get out of this stage, ask yourself what this stage is trying to teach you or what are you learning about yourself in this stage. When you shift to curiosity, once again it makes space for grace for yourself in this season. Also, honor your pace. Quit looking at what others are doing and recognize that we are all on our own journey, and that is okay!


Here is the YouTube video I shared in conjunction with this blog post.

MAINTENANCE OVER COMPLETION MINDSET

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Okay friends, for today’s Thoughtful Thursday post I wanted to talk about an idea that I recently heard about. That is the idea of having a maintenance mindset over a completion mindset. So often we have this mindset that things will be better when something is completed. Or we will feel at peace once something is completed. Once we have achieved that goal we are striving for we will feel accomplished. But the truth is there is always something more. When we live in this completion mindset, we will probably never feel at peace. Instead, we should shift our mindset to one of a maintenance mindset where we constantly have routines or habits that we perform as part of our everyday lives.

I really liked this idea. I think this explains intentional living so well. Mindset shifts are so powerful, and this idea of having a maintenance mindset in life over a completion mindset is such a small but meaningful mindset shift. In many areas of life, especially in work, education, and fitness we are taught to chase milestones: complete the project, graduate with honors, and reach the finish line. This “completion mindset” focuses on finishing tasks and achieving goals. While it can drive short-term motivation and give a sense of accomplishment, it often creates a cycle of burnout, disappointment, and stagnation after the goal is achieved. In contrast, adopting a “maintenance mindset” — the perspective that success is about continual care, improvement, and sustainable habits — leads to deeper growth, resilience, and long-term fulfillment.

The completion mindset focuses on completing something, and then setting it aside. For example, we often think of fitness goals in terms of completing something: losing a certain number of pounds, finishing a race, or completing a workout program. Once the goal is met, many people revert back to old habits or lifestyles, leading to lost progress or frustration. This is because the underlying assumption is that we only need to exert the effort until the task is complete.

On the other hand, if you have a maintenance mindset, it’s not necessarily about achieving this specific goal, instead it is about the process itself. The emphasis is on continual growth, and finding satisfaction in the day to day routine of the process. Fitness for instance shouldn’t be just about completing a goal, but a lifestyle of sustaining daily healthy habits. Learning is not just about retaining information to pass a test, but about cultivating curiosity for a lifetime. Relationships are not about finding “the one” or finding the perfect friend or perfect friend group, it’s about continuously nurturing the connections you have, working through problems, building trust and understanding.

The completion mindset may actually set us up for persistent dissatisfaction in life. After the thrill of meeting a certain goal has been accomplished, there can be a dopamine crash. Without knowing your next steps or coming up with an ongoing system to cultivate continual growth, you may begin to feel directionless. In addition to this, when we have a completion mindset, each task can feel daunting and overwhelming, which with a maintenance mindset it is a consistent journey with manageable steps.

A maintenance mindset is rooted in stewardship rather than conquest. It asks, “How can I care for this so it thrives over time?” rather than, “How can I conquer this challenge and move on?” It sees value in consistency, patience, and gradual improvement. It understands that good things, once achieved, still require attention and energy. I’m realizing that living this way is not an easy road, but focusing on continual growth in life will have long term benefits!

Lastly, I wanted to highlight the idea that when we have a completion mindset, we are focusing on chasing outer change to find peace. That is the biggest problem I find with this completion mindset. This peace we are striving for continues to evade us as we keep placing new goals or achievements on ourselves. When we live in this maintenance mindset, we can live in peace as we know in the forefront of our minds that what we are working on and towards is just a continual process.

Here is the YouTube video I shared in conjunction with this blog post!

ASK WHAT, NOT WHY

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Okay friends, for today’s Thoughtful Thursday post I wanted to talk about an idea I recently heard on a podcast. The host of the podcast was discussing with the interviewee about hardships in life and he suggested that instead of asking “why?” when we are going through trials we should ask “what?” Not why is this happening to me? But what should I do next? What could I learn from this? What is the purpose of this trial in my life?

I think it is human nature to ask “why me” when we are going through a difficult time in life. It’s human nature to want to understand why, to search for reasons. But the truth is we will likely never know why. Bad things happen to good people all of the time. We are wasting our energy, spinning our wheels, if we are just focused on trying to figure out why. If we shift our energy to answering “what” I think we will not only give purpose to our pain, but also we will find peace and contentment amidst the trial as we change our perspective. When we ask “what?” instead of “why?” We can focus on practical, actionable things which are more productive.

When we are going through something difficult in life, asking “why is this happening to me?” may lead to feelings of frustration or helplessness. Instead, asking “What can I do to improve this situation?” directs energy toward creating solutions and taking ownership. In this way, “what?” questions empower us by reinforcing the idea that, while we may not control external events, we can control our responses to them.

In personal growth and self reflection, asking “what?” questions can be transformative. When you ask questions like “why am I like this?,” “why do I keep doing x, y, or z?,” “why can’t I be more like this person or that person?” this keeps us caught in self doubt and insecurity. If we focus on what questions like “what can I learn from this?” or “what is in my control to change?” or “what small step can I take today towards becoming who I want to be?” encourages constructive thinking and leads us towards actionable goals.

“What?” questions can be helpful in relationships as well. In relationships “what?” questions tend to deepen understanding and empathy. “Why?” questions may feel accusatory and provoke defensiveness instead of mutual understanding. For example if you have a friend who is notoriously late and say, “Why are you always so late?” this can be perceived as an attack on their character instead of focusing on the issue at hand. If you say something like, “What usually causes you to be late?” it opens up the conversation to the actual issue at hand instead of perceived personal flaws.

Asking “what?” questions instead of “why?” questions helps us to feel more in control and there are actionable things we can do to change our circumstances or our perspective. When we focus on the “why” we stay in a defeatist mindset where we feel sorry for ourselves and just sulk about our circumstances which is not productive. Next time you catch yourself thinking a “why?” question, see if you can reframe to a “what?” question!

This is the YouTube video I shared in conjunction with this blog post.

GET UNCOMFORTABLE

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Okay friends, for today’s Thoughtful Thursday post I wanted to talk about something I shared a little bit about in an Instagram Reel and a YouTube short earlier this week, but I wanted to take some time to elaborate on this topic. I shared how it is human nature to fight for what is comfortable. To fight for the path of least resistance. To fight for the familiar. But just because that feels natural, doesn’t mean that’s what’s best for us. Sometimes in the comfortable we become robotic. We stop being present. We stop engaging with our lives. What if the fulfilling life you want happens when you get uncomfortable?

You might have heard that it is common for people who were abused as children to gravitate towards those types of abusive relationships as an adult. I don’t think it’s because they are sadistic, I think it’s because as humans we tend to gravitate towards what we know, what feels normal, or what feels safe. This can be true even if that may be toxic. We must fight against the toxic narratives that were programmed into us.

It’s not easy to change behavior or thought patterns. A great analogy is likening our thought patterns to creating a pathway, like a roadway in our minds. When we keep traveling down the same path over and over – that route becomes like a highway. It is so much easier to travel on that highway than to take side roads or back ways. But as you work to change your thought patterns and go down the new way, the healthier way of thinking, THAT pathway over time becomes the predominant thought process instead.

We must be patient with ourselves. In order to stop fighting for what is familiar and do something different, it takes time and work. Retraining our minds is not easy and it doesn’t happen overnight. Most people don’t like to hear the truth that we grow and change slowly, organically over time. Especially in our fast paced culture where everything is a click away, we are impatient and want quick fixes. We must learn to submit to the fact that personal growth just doesn’t work that way. 

It’s not easy to be uncomfortable. It’s not easy to change and grow. There is a reason when children grow and have physical pain we call it “growing pains.” It hurts to grow, and no one likes pain. But that pain should remind you that you are making progress! When we workout our muscles get sore. That is a sign that our muscles are growing. They are sore because they were stretched and pushed to the limit, but the outcome is we are stronger!

As I look back over my life, I am reminded time and time again that when I have stepped out of my comfort zone and did something scary that has led to the most fulfilling experiences in my life! I know it’s hard to do something uncomfortable or scary, but it’s also hard living a passive life where you feel like you’re just on a treadmill going nowhere! You choose your hard!

Well friends, I hope what I shared with you today was encouraging or maybe challenged you! As always, I would love to hear your thoughts on my thoughts down in the comments!

Here is the YouTube video I shared in conjunction with this blog post!