Okay friends, for this week’s Thoughtful Thursday post I want to talk about a bit of a tough subject, and that is conflict resolution. I wanted to talk about the importance of conflict resolution and to share some healthy and unhealthy ways people tend to deal with conflict in life. We have all had to deal with difficult relationships or situations in life that require conflict resolution skills. Really no one can escape dealing with conflict at some point in life because we are all flawed, imperfect humans.

First I wanted to share the four ways people tend to deal with conflict, which I learned from a therapist. There is the conflict avoider, which is avoiding the conflict at all costs and appeasing others to do so. There is the passive aggressive approach, where the person makes snide or underhanded comments to try to convey their opinion. There is the aggressive approach where the person is overbearing in sharing their opinions and often raises their voice or looks visibly agitated. And the fourth is the assertive approach, which is the most effective and healthy way to communicate opinions, needs, or concerns. The assertive person shares in a respectful and loving way but is able to confidently address the issue at hand.

I will share that for most of my life I was an avoidant. And admittedly, I still avoid conflict with certain people or in certain situations. But as I have aged I have learned that sometimes when we avoid, that leaves us feeling frustrated, angry, and/or resentful. I got to a point in life where I did not want to continue to live in such a way that others were in control of my emotions. Being a conflict avoidant person goes hand in hand with being a people pleaser because you don’t want people to be upset with you, and you don’t want people to feel uncomfortable in general. But I would argue that it develops deeper and more meaningful relationships when we are able to share our hurts, opinions, and needs. There may be times when you can overlook an offense and move on, but you must really evaluate if you are overlooking and moving on just to keep the peace and you actually still hold onto resentment towards someone, or if you have truly let it go.

Next is the person who is passive aggressive about their hurts, opinions, or needs. This person can be very difficult to deal with. This type of person leaves you to read between the lines in trying to decipher what they are saying. They often feel like they have said enough that the other person should be able to figure out what they mean. But we can’t read their minds! The reality is, if you have a problem with someone and you don’t clearly and concisely address it – you can’t blame them for not doing anything. Only you are responsible for your own thoughts and feelings. If there is something you can’t let go, you must address it because people can’t read your mind.

The person who is aggressive can be just as difficult to deal with. Although they may be sharing their thoughts and feelings openly, they often do it in such a way that places blame – using “you” statements instead of “I” statements. They tend to not take ownership of their feelings, but instead blame others for their feelings or for the situation being the way it is. I don’t know if you have ever encountered someone who is aggressive in communicating, but it can be very unnerving and can cause a lot of anxiety which in turn hurts the relationship. People tend to begin to fear those who communicate aggressively, leaving that person more likely isolated as others don’t want to have conflict with them. Their relationships can then become very shallow.

Obviously, the best and most healthy way to handle conflict is assertively. When you share your needs or concerns in a gentle way, using “I” statement (like “I feel blank because of this fill in the blank situation”), it is more likely to be well received. I am forever thankful for the amazing girlfriends I have here in my neighborhood. Several of them do this assertive communication so well, and it has taught me that it is okay and safe to share my thoughts and opinions too. It does take practice and you won’t always do it perfectly, but hopefully the person on the receiving end will have enough grace for you as you do your best to convey things in a kind and loving way.

Being assertive builds stronger bonds in relationships as you are able to be authentically yourselves with one another. I don’t know about you, but I think it feels so good to be in relationships where I am seen and heard. It makes me feel closer to the friend or family member when I’m able to be vulnerable like this. Even if it’s not intuitive for me, I still choose to find the bravery I need to address what needs to be addressed. And if they are genuine and true friends, they will receive your concerns thoughtfully and with grace. Even if in the end you agree to disagree, that’s okay too!

Well friends, I know this was a rough one – well, really it was just a rough thing for me to hear and learn to make healthy changes in my own life. I hope this chat was encouraging for you today! Please let me know your thoughts on this topic in the comments!