For today’s Thoughtful Thursday post I wanted to talk about having adult children and dropping off kids at college. It is that time of year when some of us are saying goodbye to our kids, and I know that some of you out there are doing it for the first time! I honestly feel like not many moms with older children talk about the challenges, differences, and amazing things about having adult children. I’m not sure why we don’t talk about it. Perhaps it’s because we don’t know how to express the feelings you go through when launching an adult child, but I’m going to give it a shot today!

Obviously the most difficult part of adult children going off to college or moving out is that you miss them. I really don’t think that feeling ever goes away. You just learn a new way of life without them in your day to day life. I think I will always feel like a part of my heart is walking around out in the world without me.

In addition to missing them, you also miss the family dynamic when everyone is together. There is definitely a different dynamic when one or all of your kids move out of the house. It can be challenging to recalibrate after they leave and find a new family rhythm.

Probably one of the most difficult things for me as a mom of young adult children is letting go of control. Even though we did give our kids freedom, especially as they entered into the high school years, we still had some control over their lives and decisions. It can be challenging to allow them to make their own decisions. It’s a balancing act trying to learn how to give them advice and counsel without being too pushy. It also can be difficult to allow them to make mistakes and allow them to just learn on their own – which is just part of adult life!

Similar to letting go of control is letting them be who they are. I’m not sure how other moms felt when holding their newborn infant, but I can imagine many felt like me – holding hopes and dreams for this little baby’s future. It’s hard to not have expectations for your kids, but I learned to hold them loosely. You may want a mini me, or perhaps you want to live vicariously through your children and want them to have a totally different life than you had, either way it’s not healthy to have expectations of them. We have to allow them to be who they are and allow them to work through the process of discovering themselves. Many young adults in their early to mid twenties go through a process of figuring out who they are separate from their parents or family of origin. They may question family values or morals. Know that this is completely normal! While sometimes not easy to watch, you must tell yourself that you did the best you knew how in the moment to raise your kids well, and now it’s time for them to fly.

One thing I think parents with older kids don’t want to talk about is the idea: little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. I don’t want to minimize the experience that mamas with littles have, because I remember how overwhelming and heavy it felt raising littles, but the reality is life is more complicated with adult children. I have told people before that every stage does not get easier, it gets different. And I guess that is the only way I can explain it. There are pros and cons to every stage of parenting. 

Something else I don’t think a lot of parents of adult children talk about is the fact that you actually go through the grief process when your kids go off to college or move out of the house. It is grieving the loss of what once was. It is grieving the loss of the parent/child relationship as you knew it. It is grieving the loss of the family dynamic you had when they were growing up. Some people don’t realize that you have to go through the stages of grief. Losing someone to death or divorce is not the only type of  loss. It can almost be more difficult when it’s this kind of loss, when your kids move out, because it’s not acknowledged as much as a death or divorce loss. It could also be the death of a dream you had for your child as they may not have the life you envisioned for them.

One thing that I think is particularly hard for moms who stayed at home is shifting your purpose. When the kids were young, life felt very purposeful and straightforward. As your kids get older you have to shift your purpose and find other things that can bring joy and meaning to your life! For me, I took a part time job when my youngest went to middle school, and then started my own business as a professional organizer when my youngest entered high school. Now I have shifted again and enjoy sharing creative content on Instagram and YouTube as well as writing blogs for my website. I still enjoy taking care of my family and helping where needed, it’s just I am needed less now that they are older and more independent. 

Something else that parents of adult children don’t talk about, because it is hard to explain, is the simultaneous sadness and joy you experience as you drop them off at college. You are so excited for them and for this life stage, but also really sad because it feels like you’re losing them. There aren’t really words to explain how this feels. It seems like such a juxtaposition, but you can have both happy and sad feelings at the same time, and it’s never truer than in that moment!

Okay, I feel like most of this talk seems like there are a lot of negative, hard, and emotional things about having adult children. But, I have to tell you: having adult children is amazing. It is so cool to have conversations with these humans who you watched grow. You have these built in friends, and it’s amazing to hear their thoughts and perspectives on things in life! Sometimes I will have a conversation with one of my kids and just think: wow, this human is so cool!

The other huge advantage to having adult children is the freedom and more margin in life that it brings. Now I can hardly imagine the fast-paced life that I lived when my kids were younger. I truly appreciate the slower pace of life this season has brought. It helps me to be more present in everyday moments. Just this morning on my run, I was appreciating the moment: thanking God for my health, the ability for my legs to run, my heart to pump blood, my lungs to send oxygen. I remember those busy days of raising kids – I felt like my mind was always thinking about the next thing I had to do and it was much more difficult to remain present in the moment.

Lastly, I will tell you, at least for me – you will never quit seeing their sweet baby or toddler face when you look at them. I hold those precious memories close to my heart when I look at them. I will leave you with a Bible verse that has been really comforting to me in seasons of change: Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”

Well, I hope you enjoyed what I shared today. I hope it was encouraging, or at least for mamas with littles gives you insight into your future hearing from a mom with adult kids!